Starting Over after Divorce

Starting over after divorce requires summoning all your fortitude. Summon help from God, a friend, or a book that promises healing. Allow these trusted advisors to pour into your life. You are the funnel, wide open and waiting to receive.

Here I offer three mindsets to adopt when starting over: Start small. Make this moment better. Commit to change.

1. Start small.

A friend of mine lost her husband last winter. I never ask how she’s doing—I know how she is doing. Her diet is primarily sadness and grief. The shock of her husband’s death upended her life; she misses his presence so much, his absence is intolerable. It’s still the winter of his passing, Kelly says. Spring and summer never came. Try as she may, she can’t wrap her head around the cooler temperatures of fall, or the pumpkin spiced treats filling the shelves, or the fireplace that sits empty, cold, and unattended.

Instead I ask her, “How is today?” I start small.

Benjamin Franklin made small daily improvements to his life by charting thirteen virtues he deemed valuable. For example, in the column marked humility, he’d place an asterisk if he managed to imitate Christ or Socrates. In this manner, he kept track of his progression through the virtues. Some days this scientist, inventor, author, musician, and politician would fail, so he left the column blank. And this is what I imagine: he would turn out the light and go to sleep, with the hope that tomorrow would be a better day.

We can be immobilized by perfection, not moving ahead because we can’t do it all right now. Take baby steps instead. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

2. Make this moment better.

I’m all about immediacy. What can make me feel better in this moment? One technique promising immediate relief is the Pomodoro technique. I set the timer for twenty-five minutes. Then I find a way to quiet my mind. It may be with a psalm or a wisdom piece Solomon left for us. Some days it’s Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. I fix my thoughts on whatever is true, honorable, pure, and lovely (Philippians 4:8). In this manner I quiet my soul and make this moment better.

3. Commit to change.

Now that you are certain you can’t return to the old life, commit to change with precision focus on the new life.

When Hernán Cortés, a Spanish conquistador, reached the shores of Mexico, he ordered his ships to be burned. Burning their only means of return required total commitment by his men. Subsequently, the only choice they had was to put one foot in front of the other and walk toward the new land away from the burning ships, away from their smoldering safety net. They moved forward and eventually conquered the Aztec empire.

This is a bit exaggerated for our modern way of thinking, but we, too, find ourselves without options—we must move away from the smoldering safety net of the old life and commit to the new life.

When Starting Over after Divorce, You May Find Yourself at an Impasse

When I find myself at an impasse, I clear space for my favorite authors. Drudging through bookstores can be overwhelming and time consuming. Many voices clamor: pick me, pick me; however, they might leave you worse for wear. For this reason, I’ve made it easy: browse my Pinterest board for books on starting over after divorce. I have others listed in Hello New Life as well.

Pause a moment.

Close the funnel.

Allow these thoughts to circulate and to guide your next move.

Resources and Links

Grab a copy of my book Hello New Life here.

For books on healing: Check out my Pinterest board.