One of the best ways I have found to overcome any difficulty is to acknowledge the pain and name the emotion. I would say aloud: “Oh, that’s what grief feels like” and “Ah, hello sadness.”
When I was healing from divorce, my difficulty came when I met my old life. Grief hung over me like a cloud: at Walmart, at the library, at church, in the sound of a bread maker, on the porch, and even with family. I adopted several mantras to help with these emotions. A few of my favorite are: hello old life; hello new life; there are always adjustments in life.
Healing from Divorce: Greeting the Old Life
In the early stages of divorce, I adopted the saying, “hello old life.” Then I welcomed the old. I would stay in that moment for as long as I needed to grieve. It was necessary that I acknowledge each loss as it came and spend that moment in quiet reflection. If I was driving, I’d pull over for a time of reflection; if I was in Walmart, I’d find a quiet place to honor the old life, grieve its loss. This very action is what helped me to begin the next phase of my life.
Goodbye Old Life
After grieving, I’d say, “Goodbye old life, until next time.” Sometimes the next time was five minutes later. With each thought came the same greeting and the same sending away, similar to what I learned in Lamaze classes. During labor I welcomed each contraction with a deep breath, endured the pain as long as it lasted, then I would exhale it away. I was thankful for a moment of reprieve; it gave me time to prepare for the next onslaught of pain, each pain worse than the last.
I found strength and comfort with this exercise during the divorce process. I could not allow my thoughts to steal my joy forever. I must “feel them, heal them, and then move on,” according to Susan Elliott in Getting Past Your Breakup. I became thankful for the moments of reprieve. With this exercise, the moments of reprieve lengthened, and the moments of despair and grief lessened. Unlike labor that worsened with each contraction, the pain from divorce became easier to endure as time went by. Each month seemed a little easier, each year, more joyful.
There Are Always Adjustments in Life
In times of adversity, it is my grandmother’s voice I hear: “There are always adjustments in life.” My grandmother is one of the most resilient persons I have ever met. She has weathered coronavirus “locked” up in a nursing home, not able to receive any guests. She recently repeated my mantra: there are always adjustments in life. <—Repeat that again. Now say it one more time.
Happiness is all about perspective.
Healing from divorce takes time. Allow yourself all the time you need.
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